Oh! how I gnash and weep and wail

Does John Florance read his e-mail?

What of Stephen Butt and the other freaks

all sat there eating cheesy leaks?

I think it is a shocking crime

not to acknowledge the joy of rhyme

especially when the surgery of the air

is marked by nobody being there

I mean, you had the space to fill

you could've given me a chance

I would'nt do what others will

and disappear on the train to France

So if I've still got your attention,

what with you being almost fifty and all

I'd like to mention a couple of points,

raised by some of the people who call

Surely, please! It would be best

to put the flaming dome to rest

re; the library at Netherhall,

I'm glad it's saved but they've said it all

of course it has to get a mention

but I've heard enough about the old age pension

Finally a compassionate plea

for the poor ubiquitous refugee

just think what you and I would do

if we had to stand with vouchers in a queue

point two per cent of the GDP isn't a lot to give

silence please the send them backs and give them the chance to live.

Right Florance you've done it this time

you didn't read out my jolly good rhyme

oh yes you'll be in great distress

when they expose you in the press

I visualise the banner headline

"That Florance, he's a Philistine"

I hope they take your column away

and print my poems every Monday

And me, I find the Grant & Hurley saga 's got me gripped

you think it's less interesting than hayfever, perhaps you've finally flipped

imagine people phoning in about the things they've got up their nose

I think I'll chuck my alarm away and enjoy an extra hour's repose

It's not fair, all the other Bobs get airtime on your show

there's a Bob I can think of who's on five days in a row

from Syston, Costock, Netherhall the ranters all phone in

but ne'er a line of poetry, forsooth 'tis a shameful sin

Now here's a thought, imagine that they finally banned hunting

we could all have a tea party, dig out balloons and bunting

but what shall we do to pass the time, I hear you speculating

on Sundays we shall all dress up and go out Florance baiting.