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Dr Mince's Correspondence with Dr M Archer

Here are the letters that I have received from Dr Archer

8th May 2002

Dear Dr Larry

This morning I received a letter from Jeffery, complaining that he'd been burgled again during the night. Somebody has taken the tin of 'Tyne Brand' mince and packet of 'Smash' from his locker as well. Apparently some of his younger peers mix it with cocaine, "For Mash get Smash!" they say. I shall speak to Dr Mingler at the university to see if this is likely.

The medical orderly job is going well Jeffery says that he's getting into all sorts of things. Whilst on the subject, he says that his new cellie, Zippy, hasn't repeated his auto-asphyxiation experiment. Jeffery didn't explain what it was that he put down Zippy's throat, but he says that the neck brace is a boon. He says that Zippy is quiet and philosophical when he sees him in the hospital wing.

Jeffery wants to try to persuade the governor to let him set up an athletics team. His ambition is to do a remake of 'The loneliness of the long distance runner' for the stage when he gets released. If only that were all there was to it.

He's also trying to get the other prisoners to sponsor him to stand on his head in the evenings. He's going to raise money for the Kosovans (Did I send you my recipe for lettuce in wine sauce? Do let me know). He's still waiting to get the go ahead from Mr Singh, the governor he wants me to get Lord Chuffie at Oxfam to lean on Oliver Letwin, whoever he is. Singh-Singh, as Zippy likes to refer to the governor, is a bit sniffy about the scheme.

Jeffery is a bit frustrated that the Queen Mother's will is to be kept private. He was keen to know if the old dear had left him that horse. Personally, I think it would probably be better if the whole episode were forgotten, or at least not made public. I expect Alison will sort it out.

Speaking of Alison, she asked me if Id seen Midnight Express, which I thought was rather strange. She'd been to see him with his correspondence. I don't know how that girl gets so many visiting orders. He's had a letter from Lloyd Webber about 'Loneliness!' (working title). He - Lloyd Webber - is apparently very enthusiastic.

Woke up with a shocking headache again this morning and made a soufflé omelette with a balloon whisk as you suggested. Thank you for sharing that with me it certainly gets rid of tension. I will suggest that Dolf; my PhD student tries it. He's coming round this evening to 'discuss his thesis again'.

Must go now, as I have to attend a management seminar.

Yours, ever fragrantly



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